I HATE MARY-GO-ROUNDS!

I have come to realize the only person you can truly count on is yourself. Sad but true. Yeah, there are friends & family that can be a nice help at times, but ultimately, we really are on our own. What's a person to do, when the things that mean the most to them--friends, family, and the relationships they have with them--fail or turn out to be not exactly what they thought. It is the relationships with the people I love that give me the most happiness and joy but also cause the greatest amount of heartache and pain. For someone who tends to feel things deeply, this can be torturous! I don't mean to be dramatic, I just have a hard time when problems arise that seem to have no solution. Is it possible NOT to have ANY expectations in a relationship, so MAYBE you won't be disappointed? If so, how would your needs ever get met? People aren't mind readers, and most don't seem to have your needs in mind, unless they have a reason. And why WOULD they have a reason unless YOU gave them one? Do you see where I'm going? Yes, around in circles, which is the direction a lot of relationships seem to be going. It's quite dizzying, actually. But maybe that will be a nice feeling for now, and I can forget about the way things are working out, or not working out...I hate mary-go-rounds!

Honey, I don't think that was gas!

I wish I could tell you the exact moment I felt the baby move for the first time, but, the truth is, I'm not sure when it was. Dr. Twede told me at my 13 1/2 week visit that I could start to feel little butterfly flutters at anytime, so I tried to pay close attention to any "flutterings" I may have felt. Since I didn't know what I was feeling for, I payed attention to everything. After about two weeks worth of faux-flutters, (AKA gas or my imagination) I think I finally felt the real deal. I was about 15 1/2--16 weeks along, and to me, it felt more like my belly was being bumped into from the inside rather than being brushed up against by butterfly wings. Now, at 18 + weeks, the baby's movements are more discernible. Last night, I was laying on my stomach for a while then rolled over onto my back. As soon as I was on my back, I felt an amazing amount of pressure pushing out from inside my belly. It felt like the kid was stretching in a yoga cat position, pushing with it's hands and feet in one direction and with it's back the opposite. Right away, I put my hands on my belly, where the pressure was, to see what I could feel. From the outside, it was firm, almost like a contracted muscle. Around it was still soft like, well, my belly. Being able to feel the baby move is one of the most amazing things! I cannot wait until Damien will be able to put his hands on my belly and be able to feel a little bit of what I am lucky enough to get to experience. In the mean time, I feel like I learned something about this baby o' mine: I don't think it likes to be smashed like that.

My pregnancy so far

As you may guess, this pregnancy has taken a lot of people by surprise, myself included! The initial shock and disbelief has finally worn off, and I am starting to get really excited. It took me a little longer to get to the point that Damien has been from day one, but I'm glad I have finally come around. (I'm sure he is too) Today I am at 17 weeks + five days, which means 2 weeks and 2 days from now, I will be half way done with this pregnancy. That is where the shock and disbelief again begins! I can't believe I am already this far along. I think that is mainly because I really don't feel pregnant. I was lucky enough not to get struck with morning sickness or the urge to pee every two hours. I haven't really had any cravings either. The symptoms I have had are: extreme cramping, fatigue, hunger, and gas. I'll spare you the details and just say that all four have been extreme. Although now that I am in my second trimester, the cramping is nonexistent, (thankfully that ended at about week 8 or 9, and that's a good thing! It was so bad I thought I was gonna die! Seriously!) and the rest have decreased in intensity. Overall, I cannot complain about how things have gone thus far. I have great friends and family and the love and support of a wonderful man. I truly feel blessed!

At the first doctor's appointment, which we had on July 30, 2008, at 9 1/2 weeks along, I weighed in at 134 lbs, a few pounds up from where I was before I found out I was pregnant. We listened to the baby's heartbeat with a doppler device. It was hard to find, but came in loud and clear, low on my right side, after a few minutes search. The baby's tiny, little heart was beating a whopping 174 beats per minute. Damien and I just looked at eachother with big, goofy grins on our faces until Julie, the nurse, removed the doppler wand from my lower abdomen. Neither of us cried. I felt calm and was in awe, as the fact that there really was a human life growing inside of my belly began to sink in. Next, she moved us into the ultrasound room where we got to see our "little peanut", as Damien was calling it at the time. It was amazing to see the heart beating and to be able to discern it's head from it's rump and to see the little nubs that were becoming hands and feet. There was no denying it. We had now seen the proof with our own four eyes. Here are a couple pics from that visit:

Getting prepped for my very first ultrasound

OOOOOH, that jelly is cold!

If you split the screen into fourths like this +,
the baby is in the top right. Kind of hard to see here.

At our second visit, four weeks later, I weighed 140 lbs. The baby's heart beat was at 159 beats per minute, and was as awe inspiring as it was the first time we heard it. I got a PAP, always a good time, and that was about it. We made our next appointment with Dr. Twede AND scheduled an ultrasound for October 10th, when we hope to learn the sex of the baby! :)

We had the third visit just two days ago. I am 17 1/2 weeks along. I gained another 4 pounds, which Dr. Twede says is right where I want to be. One pound per week is good. My belly is measuring at 16 cm, also average for how far along I am. The books say the baby should be about 5 inches long from crown to rump. A lot bigger than the 1 inch length it was at our first visit. Again, we heard the baby's heart beat, which was 154 beats per minute.

So far, everyone is healthy and happy, and we are looking forward to finding out the sex of the baby in two weeks! It would be fun to get together with everyone that evening, for dinner or something, and announce the ultrasound findings...in the mean time, be sure to enter in your gender guess by way of the poll and/or in the comments. I'd love to know what YOU think!

The day I found out

I found out I was pregnant Monday morning on June 23rd by taking a home pregnancy test. The test only confirmed what I had suspected for about two weeks. I had had a dream that I was looking at two circles about two feet in diameter each, both with big, pink plus signs in them. I thought nothing of it at first, but kept getting the feeling not to do anything that might harm a growing embryo, just in case. I kept my pregnancy worries to myself while I waited to start my period. I kept getting what felt like period cramps, so I KNEW I would be starting that day or the next. At least I REALLY hoped.The week leading up to the 23rd was full of hope and skepticism. Hope that I would see my dear Aunt Flow but skeptical of her coming. After a week of cramping, with nothing to show for it, I knew I needed to take a test. A weeks worth of mental torture led me on an early morning run to Wal-Mart to buy a couple tests. I left the house without emptying my bladder, so when I returned, I really had to go. I was barely able to get the test out of the box and into the stream before my supply ran out. I put the cap back on the test and set it on the rug between my feet, but it stayed there only a short time. I picked it back up and attentively watched as the pee passed over the control and into the test window. It showed up positive right away. There it was--the two pink plus signs. I sat there and stared at those little pink plus signs for about ten minutes, not really believing it and not really feeling anything. Finally, I was able to get up, and I got back in bed. As I layed there thinking about what this meant for my life, the weight of it fell heavy on my shoulders. And heart. And mind. I got a little choked up but cried only a few tears. I wondered if I should have been more upset than I was. By this time, it was about seven o'clock and I was ready to talk to someone. Bridgette Ellis was who I wanted to talk to, but it was six a.m. in Alaska where I knew she was sound asleep. I waited as long as I could and gave her a call a few minutes before seven o'clock, her time. No Answer. I waited a few minutes and tried again. No Answer. I left a voice mail and sent a text message then tried to patiently wait some more. A million things ran through my mind as I waited. How was I going to tell Damien, and what was his reaction going to be? What did this mean for our relationship? I never wanted to raise a kid on my own. What was my mom going to say? How was I going to pay for everything without insurance? I can't give up sleep. How soon am I going to get stretch marks? Now I won't be able to do the triathlon. Shouldn't I be getting sick? I guess the girls ARE gonna have a cousin. I can't raise a kid. A kid!?! How did this happen? I am not ready for this kind of responsibility! Finally, at about eight o'clock, Alaska time, I called again. This time Bridge groggily answered and asked if everything was okay. I think I blurted out that I just found out I was pregnant and that I was sorry to wake her up, but I needed to talk. As always, she was a good listener and a great friend. She helped me put things in perspective and helped to calm my nerves. I hung up with her feeling a little better knowing that no matter what happened I would have the love and support of great friends and my family to help and be by my side.

Most of that day is but a blur now. I know the girls and the house did not get the attention they needed or deserved. A fly on the wall would not have been able to tell all the goings on in my mind by watching the lack of goings on of my body. I spent a lot of time on the couch staring out the wall of windows in the front room. By the time Mom got home from work, at three, I had managed to get myself showered and ready, and that only being due to my being scheduled to work later that evening. She was quite upset at the appearance of the house and enlisted the girls' help to clean it real quick. Feeling guilty for not having done it while she was at work, I pitched in. As we passed each other in between rooms, I nonchalantly said I needed to talk to her at some point that day when the girls were not around. She jokingly returned with, "How late are you?" I laughed and said, "Well, I took a test and failed it today." "Really?" I just nodded. She got a little choked up and said, "A little Spirit has chosen you to be it's mom. That is a very special and exciting thing." There was a short pause and she threw in, "It's about time!" I was a little surprised at her reaction and comments, as they were not what I expected. I guess if I had been half my age and delivered the same news, I would have gotten more of what I had envisioned. Next, she asked what Damien's reaction was. I had not told him yet. I decided early that morning that telling him over the phone or in a text was not the best way, and I did not want to tell him while he was at work. While talking to my mom, I came to the conclusion that I should see if I could get someone to cover my appointment and go tell Damien as soon as possible. Luckily that worked out, and I was soon on my way to Salt Lake City, with not a clue of how to tell him or what I was going to say. The drive went a lot faster than I hoped. Half way there I tried to call Damien to see if he had plans after work. No Answer. I left a voice mail letting him know I was in town and hoped to see him. Once I got into town, I tried again. No Answer, so I just kept driving. He called back, and I found out he was planning on going to the gym later that evening. I was at 7200 South when he called and jumped off I-15 there. I drove toward his gym while we talked, and I coaxed him to go now, rather than later. He agreed and was pulling into the parking lot a short time after I had. I nervously watched him park and decided I didn't want him to miss out on his workout, which I knew he would had we met up then, so I told him I was stuck in traffic and to go work out. I would meet him in an hour. When I was sure he wouldn't see me pull out of the parking lot, I left and went up the street and parked in a school parking lot. I was driving myself crazy thinking of all the possible outcomes this news may bring. I say driving myself crazy because it really was unnecessary. Deep down, I knew it was going to be okay. In the car, I had a triathlon training manual I tried to read to keep my mind occupied with something else. It only kind of worked, and finally after an hour passed, I headed back to the gym. Damien called as I was leaving, and said he had some errands to run. If I wanted, I could go with him. Once I got there, I tried to act as normal as I could. It worked, he didn't seem to suspect a thing. We decided to take two cars so we wouldn't have to backtrack later. I followed him to the first stop, a shoe store. We looked around. He tried on some shoes and talked to the owner. I was wondering all the while how and when to tell him. I saw some baby shoes and made a comment about how cute little kid shoes are, feeling things out. Nope, not yet. We went to a GNC so he could get some vitamins. There they were, on the shelf next to the prenatals. Nope, not yet. At this point, I could see the night ending, us parting ways, and me not telling him. It just never felt right. I felt like we were in two different worlds. He was going around, in the real world, and I was somehow there physically, but not really there. As we reached the end of Damien's to do list, I felt I was running out of time but still didn't know what to say. He was hungry, and now that he mentioned it, I hadn't eaten since that morning. There was a Chili's across the parking lot, so we walked to my last opportunity. He opened the door for me, and asked as I walked in, "So, have you heard from Aunt Flow yet?" Now that the door was wide open, all I had to do was step in. "YEP, I heard from Aunt Flow today..." I guess he sensed something in my tone of voice, because somewhere between, "Yes ma'am, two." and us being seated, he asked what I meant by that. I repeated that I had, indeed, heard from Aunt Flow...and that she won't be visiting for at least nine months. "WHAT!?!..." He looks at me. "Are you serious!?!" I nod. He smiled and sat back in the booth. "No shit?" He sat there in silence as a very concerned little girl in the booth behind us told her dad that THAT man just said a naughty word. Damien asked, "You meant to say that you are pregnant, right?" I nod. "WOW!" Periodic conversation interrupted silence while most of our food remained untouched. Aside from minor uncertainties, Damien was calm. He was collected. He was supportive. And he was excited. To this day, none of that has changed.

The purpose of all of this

The main reason I wanted to start this blog was to fill you in and keep you up on everything going on in my life right now. So let's get started! Wow, that's gonna be harder than I thought...Where do I begin? Most of you know that I am pregnant. For those few who did not, yes, you read that right, pregnant. :) No, I did not run off and get married without telling you, i am single. Well seeing someone, just not married. I would claim immaculate conception, but it's been taken, and I don't think anyone would fall for that one again. So, I know you are wondering who the lucky man is. :)

His name is Damien, and actually, I feel like the lucky one. He is a great man with many wonderful qualities! We met at the end of January, by chance, and both noticed sparks right away. He asked for my phone number, and I gave it to him. I'm sure that doesn't sound like a big deal, but for me, it was huge. I have NEVER given my real phone number to a complete stranger, but I am very glad I made an exception that time! That night, he left me a really cute message, we texted the next day, he called me that night, and we have enjoyed getting to know each other ever since. He has lived in Utah for the past five years, is originally from the Bronx, NY, and spent the time in between living in Las Vegas. He has an appreciation for the great outdoors, especially when it's cold. He loves to be in the mountains snowboarding. Damien works a civilian job supplying an auto shop on Fort Douglas in Salt Lake City and is in ammo in the Army Reserves. He spent a year in Iraq and is scheduled for another tour in 2010. The military has suited him well, as this man was made for it! But don't let that fool you. Even though he has been trained in the art of killing, he is kind and considerate, understanding and patient. He has goals, ambition, morals and standards. He is one of the hardest workers I have ever known. He has an amazing love for his family, and it has been fun for me to watch that creep over a little bit into mine as he has been able to meet almost everyone. He has a great sense of humor--we laugh and have a good time with everything we do. He also has a bit of an adventurous spirit. As if that wasn't enough, he cooks, he cleans, and rubs my back and feet when they are sore. I mean really rubs them good. Sometimes I stop and wonder what I did to find such an amazing man, then I smile and don't question it and am just thankful I get to go through this with him. I love him dearly and know he will be a great father! He is 35 and has no children, so this is a first for both of us. I know for a lot of you, the marriage question comes to mind. You may not agree with or understand my choice to remain single, but for me, I am happy with the way things are. I am pregnant. I am with the baby's father. We are happy, and in this together, with or without a contract saying so. I hope that the love and support you have always shown to me continues to be unconditional and will grow to include the two new additions to my family.

It starts with ONE...

Today is day two of my new blogging journey, and over the past 24hours, I have been bombarded with texts, calls, e-mails, and blog comments showing interest in others wanting to start one as well. Let me just reassure you, if I can do this ANYONE can do this! I know that phrase get thrown around a lot, but I really mean it! All you do, is go to www.blogger.com, do the little tour that explains everything, then set up your very own blog. It really is that simple. Granted, I haven't posted any pictures or done anything fancy, yet, but I will soon! So, what are you waiting for, you've got work to do...I will be anxiously waiting to hear of your blogspot address! Till then, bu-bye!

Well Hello!

Fancy meeting you here :) As you can see, I have FINALLY given in and am gonna try my hand at blogging. After years of reading, and selfishly enjoying, all of your blogs, and not contributing to the story pot, I figure it's about time to pull a seat up to the sharing table. I'm afraid I must warn you: the stories that are soon to be told here are real. The people in them are not actors. (Hell, I couldn't be so lucky!) The things you read may make you laugh or make you cry. They just might make you wonder--one thing is certain...at some point, I'm sure you will feel better about your own life. HAHAHA! I am excited to have a written document of my life experiences, to share what is going on in my life with you, and to be able to have comments and feedback from the people i love and look up to the most, and hopefully this will hold my attention longer and better than writing in a traditional journal! And so the journaling journey begins...we have a lot of catching up to do!