A child was born...a month ago

Heeheehee! Okay, so i'm not the quickest poster in the west, but i'm okay with it.

I would like to introduce you to Cadence Neville Murphy. He came into this world on January 27th 2009 and was 5 weeks early. He weighed 4lbs 3.8 oz., was 18in. long, and has captured the hearts of most everyone that has met him. He first tried to join us January 16th, but we were able to buy him some much needed extra womb time and get him the steroids necessary to help his lungs develop since early delivery was highly likely. Good thing we listened, because when he was born a week and a half later, he didn't need any respiratory assistance at all, which is unusual for a baby this early. Strong from the start, he was able to nurse, regulate his body temperature, and lift his head up. Yeah, it was wobbly, but again, unusual for a baby this early. Right before I delivered him, the nurses and Dr. Twede were preparing Damien and me for the worst. They told us about how sick he may be and all the tubes and machines he would most likely need just to help him survive. Everyone was amazed when he didn't need any of them. He did have an IV inserted in his hand for the first few days to receive fluids and sugar because he had a hard time regulating his blood sugar, but that was removed by day three. Late on day two, a feeding tube was inserted to use every other feeding because he was exerting too much energy nursing and it was tiring him out. With the use of the feeding tube, he could get more sleep and not burn off the calories he needed to put on weight, plus we could see exactly how much food he was getting. He also spent a few days under the bili lights because he was looking a little jaundiced and his biliruben levels were a little high. Total, he spent 6 days in the hospital. That's how long it took in order to meet the three requirements to go home. He needed to be able to keep himself warm, he needed to take every feeding by mouth, either breast or bottle, and he needed to be gaining weight. When he was born, they told us not to expect to bring him home earlier than my original due date. That would have been March 2nd. We feel very lucky that we were able to bring Cadence home as soon as we did. There were other babies in the nursery that had been carried longer that were in a lot worse shape than Cadence was. I feel that God has watched over us and has had a hand in it. This little miracle baby has a special spirit, and Damien and I feel very blessed to have been given the opportunity to spend this extra time with him. He is such a good baby and is growing like crazy. We are madly in love with this precious little being! Other than the sleep deprivation, the transition into parenthood has been seamless. I don't think it has hit either of us that anything is different. It's hard to remember life before Cadence, and I don't know that I want to!

Oh the comfort of your own bed...

The following was written shortly after this experience but not posted due to my wanting to make some changes that I never got around to...at this point, I figure oh well, it is what it is. I don't have time for changes. :)

Most people come to appreciate the comfy, coziness of their bed when they have to sleep in one other than their own. I, myself, experience this every time I stay at a hotel or at friend's or family's house. No matter how comfortable they THINK their bed is, mine is always better. Ending a vacation can be bitter-sweet sometimes, especially when you're not ready for it to end, but for me, the thought of coming home to my own bed usually helps to get over it. I'm sure most of you can relate. Well, I am here to add a little to that...I have recently learned that you cannot REALLY come to a complete appreciation of your own bed until you have spent a good amount of time in a hospital labor and delivery bed. I've spent some time in a regular hospital bed, and with at least half a dozen pillows, they really aren't too bad. Not the case with the labor and delivery kind! Who knew they were even different, right? I am convinced that gravity itself is pulled differently toward these beds than anywhere else on earth. Spending 8 1/2 hours in one on Friday (Jan 16th) led me to this conclusion. To make a long, emotional story short, basically I woke up Friday morning with some unexplainable bleeding. As I got Starr and Harmony up and on their way to getting ready for school, I remembered being woke up 2 or 3 times in the night with abdominal pains, which I brushed off, figuring it was the Beto's I ate late that night just before going to bed. After another trip to the restroom with more blood, I decided it to be wise to be seen by my doctor. A call to Julie, the nurse at the office, revealed the perfect timing of Dr. Twede's family vacation, of course! That meant being seen by Linda, the PA. Not really excited about that but have to do what I have to do. Next step, contact Damien. He was one week in to a two week class and had limited outside contact. (He wasn't even supposed to have his phone with him, but they made an exception because I'm pregnant. Something we joked about in the beginning but was super thankful for at the moment!) I sent him a text for him to call me as soon as he could, then called Mom, who was at work, and filled her in on the details. She came home to help get the girls ready and off to school, and I got in the shower. Once I was ready and on my way to the doctor's office, I told myself everything was going to be okay. They would check me out and send me back home. I would stop and treat myself to a Coldstone ice cream and that would be that. Not so. Linda checked me out shortly after I got there (I have never had a shorter wait for a doctor's visit!) and found that I was dilated to 2 1/2 cm and 80% effaced. A quick call to Dr. Twede, who was in Florida, confirmed her own advice...send me straight to Labor and Delivery. I was, well, we'll just say a little freaked out now. I was alone and scared that I was going to have this baby, something I was definitely NOT ready for yet, seeing as how mentally I was preparing for a MARCH delivery NOT MID-JANUARY!!! I haven't even had my childbirth prep class yet. And what about the baby? Could his little lungs sustain his life outside the womb? A million things ran through my mind...Anywho, I called Damien and gave him the news. He said he was leaving his class and would meet me at the hospital as soon as he could. (Another good thing about this class is that it was not out of state like most of the classes he has gone to!) So, once I got to the hospital, they hooked me up to the monitor and found that, sure enough, I was having contractions every five minutes. The crazy thing was that I didn't really even feel them. Sometimes, I could feel pressure, but nothing that hurt like I thought a contraction should have felt like. Needless to say, these needed to be stopped and fast. The nurse warned me that if I were to dilate 1/2 cm more, they would fly me, yes FLY ME, to the IMC hospital where they are equipped to take care of babies born earlier than 35 weeks. Good news is that modern technology has developed something to stop contractions and therefore dilation as well as steroids to help the baby's lungs develop. After 4 or 5 shots and about 8 hours of monitoring, they were comfortable letting me go home with a prescription and orders for strict bed rest to keep the contractions at bay. At this point, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep this little man cookin'. And here's where my bed comes into play. After laying in that horrible, gravity sucking hole they call a bed, nothing sounds better than to lay in my own. I just hope I feel the same come March 2nd! We'll see...

This was us hanging out at Altaview hospital waiting to see if the drugs were going to stop the contractions.

Glucola=Nectar of the Devil!

So, at my last doctor's visit, (which was on Wednesday, Dec. 17th) I had to do a screening test for gestational diabetes. No big deal, most doctors do this test with every pregnancy. Basically, you drink a special beverage containing 50 grams of glucose in 5 minutes or less, wait one hour, then have blood drawn or a finger poked to check the glucose levels in your blood. It is recommended to do the test fasting but not required. Having worked many years in a lab and in various OB offices, administering and instructing patients on this very test, I am very familiar with this routine. Since my appointment wasn't until 3:30, there was NO way I would be able to fast for this test. Um hello! You DO NOT stand in the way of a pregnant woman and food, especially for that long! Naturally, one might assume that something sensible to eat would be wise, and that knowledge of the protocol and purpose of this test would have deterred me from eating cinnamon toast crunch, which is basically carbs (aka sugar) and sugar, for breakfast and Cafe Rio (aka more carbs, read: "sugar", and more food than any person should be eating!) for lunch RIGHT before having to drink said glucola. Well, you'd think...but no. Needless to say, I failed. Due to all I had consumed beforehand, I had a feeling I would not pass but tried to be hopeful anyway. I needed to score 130 or less, and I got 153. Not SUPER high, but high enough to require me to come back fasting and do a more extensive test, the 3 hour Glucose Tolerance Test. For this one, you must fast for the entirety of the test, so I arranged to come in first thing in the morning the next day. You start by having a fasting level drawn, or poked as they do at my doctor's office. (On a side note: I HATE having my finger poked! I would rather stub my toe on the coffee table than have that stupid lancet jammed half way through my finger!) Then you are given the dreaded glucola drink. It's the same amount of fluid with twice the amount of glucose, although it tastes more like 5000 times more. Again, you must suck down the super sweet beverage in five minutes or less, a surprisingly difficult task. (Who knew there IS such a thing as "too sweet") Then you wait...your finger gets poked every hour for three hours to monitor how your body is handling the glucose. A passing test is one where at least 3 of the 4 results are below the acceptable levels, those being: fasting <95, at 1 hour < 180, at 2 hours < 155, and at 3 hours < 140. My fasting level was 73, so I was off to a good start. I guess I should say that there is an advantage to having your finger poked as opposed to having a tube drawn and sent to the lab for testing. Knowing the result within a few seconds instead of in a day or two is rather nice, especially for this test. If you pass the first three, you don't have to stay for the last one, which ended up being a lifesaver! About 20 minutes after drinking the 100 gram glucola, I started to get really nauseated and dizzy. Luckily there was an empty room for me to lay down in. I had THE WORST night's sleep the night before, so I was so tired that sleep came easy between finger pokes. My one hour result was 132, and the two hour was 103. That was three results within normal range, WOOHOO! I do not have gestational diabetes and better yet, I could eat! The plan was to go up to Fort Douglas and eat with Damien, but with how crappy I felt, I swung by, said hi, and headed home. Oh, I almost forgot to mention the weather. A nice clear, crisp morning to the doctor's office...a white-out when I got out. In the few hours I was there, 4 inches of snow fell and stuck wherever it landed. My car was covered, the roads were covered, and people were driving like fools! There was no sign of it slowing anytime soon. Another determining factor in me going home instead of lingering around to have rush hour traffic to fight. Anyways, it took a couple days for my body to get back to normal after taking the glucose tests. Either that or I coincidentally got the stomach flu at the same time. Regardless, I am glad THAT'S over, and I have learned a valuable lesson if there ever is a next time!

Ask and ye shall receive...

There have been many requests to see "The BUMP" so here it is...

These pics were taken last week in New York. The clothed one at Times Square, and the surprise attack on the scantily clad, in the hotel room getting ready, obviously... :) hope it doesn't make you sick! hahaha! I guess I should mention I was in my 26th week.


Sorry I don't have very many pics of it. When I first found out I was pregnant, we talked about taking a belly picture every week so we could track and remember the changes. It was a great thought, but the hideousness of my growing out hair and my new super pale complexion prevented me from following through with it. How ridiculous is that!?! Those of you who know me very well, know that I LOATH having my picture taken. The ugly hair and loss of any sort of a tan only intensified my feelings for said photos. I know it's sad...but oh well. Just a word to the wise--

You do not go from this:

To this:

Without being 110% committed to enduring many a in-between stages, especially if you know you will eventually grow it back!

ANYWAYS, we are back from our week in New York. We had a great time! I got the chance to meet Damien's family and a few of the friends he grew up with. I ate new and interesting things. (more about that later...) And saw a ton of amazing buildings. Everyone was incredibly nice! I am in the process of going through our more than 1700 combined pictures and will post more about the trip soon. I hope you all had a great thanksgiving! Even though I missed my family, I had a good one! I love you all!

My baby bump

I had my first stranger noticing that I am pregnant moment today...I was at Walmart picking up a few last minute items needed for our trip to New York, one being prenatal vitamins. As I searched the isle for the brand I have been taking, a dear, sweet lady asked, "Are you looking for the prenatal vitamins? They are all right here on this shelf." A smile emerged as my heart was warmed. Not at her helpfulness, although that WAS nice, but at the fact that a perfect stranger looked at me and knew I was pregnant not just chubby! :)

Well hello again...

I KNOW, I KNOW! It's been a while. I have had the best of intentions this past month to get on and post, but you know how life gets. One day passes, then two--next thing you know, it's been a month--I don't know where the time goes. I guess this is one instance where the thought DOESN'T really count; At least not until you publish it as a post...hahaha. Anyways, it's not for lack of a topic, just the time to compose them. So here I am, AGAIN, with lots of catching up to do. Feels like the story of my life. Oh well...So, everything with the pregnancy is still going well. Both baby and mom are healthy (dad is too), and everything seems to be "normal". I am 25 weeks plus 4 days today, which means I am nearing the end of the second trimester. CRAZY!!! Time is seriously flying by! It scares me to think that this baby is going to be here before we know it! There is Thanksgiving and Christmas, then New Year's, and shortly thereafter, the one year mark of having been with Damien, then Valentine's Day, and then the baby should come. I feel like the kid playing hide-and-go-seek who is half hanging out of his hiding spot when the seeker ends his count and calls out, "Ready or not, here I come!" I just hope we will be ready! Occasionally I feel a little overwhelmed at the daunting task of raising a child, but at the same time, I feel honored. Overall, I just can't wait to meet this little guy, especially as my body is starting to show evidence of his existence. It now seems the bulge of my belly is noticeably bigger every morning, and I love it! One of my favorite things is to feel him move and try to figure out what his position is. He definitely likes my right side better than the left. Most mornings, I wake up to a lop-sided stomach that peaks about 1 1/2 inches to the right of my belly button as I lay on my back. It makes me smile. Sometimes his movements get a little bit uncomfortable, but I think about how his bones and muscles are getting bigger and stronger with each little kick, and it makes it all worth it! I am continually amazed that my body can nourish and sustain this growing life and that it just seems to KNOW what to do. Creating a tiny person really is a miracle! Speaking of miracles...It will be a miracle if we can come up with a name before our little man is born. We have gone through hundreds of names and found, literally, only a few (like 2) that we like enough to even consider. Please feel free to help us out by sharing any boy names you like! Just don't be offended if we don't use them. :) Anywho, I will try to do better and post more often...ttys! --Tonja

ITS A ...

Well, we finally found out the sex of the baby last Friday! It felt like a long time to wait only to hear what I already knew. Damien and I are both excited to announce we will be having a son. A SON!!! I don't know what we're gonna do with a boy in this family, but I'm hoping we will be able to figure it out as we go. ;) Actually, I think I will be a good mom for a boy since I'm more of a get down and wrestle around than a prissy, shopping type of girl. And although I think it would have been nice for Damien to have a daddy's little girl, I think he will be a great example to this little boy I hope to raise to be a gentleman. Of course we would have been happy to hear either gender, we really are thrilled with the news we got. Not only did we find out that the baby is a boy, but also that he appears to be healthy. No clubbed feet or cleft pallet and everything is measuring normal. YAY!!!

The entire day was perfect! It started very quietly. No alarms were set. We were able to wake up when our bodies said it was time, not by the irritating buzzer that annoys you out of bed. We had some breakfast and got ready for the day. Damien and I picked up my grandma and met Mom, Naomi, Starr and Harmony at the doctor's office. The wait was short, then we all piled into the ultrasound room. I was excited to have Mary Ellen, a former coworker, do our ultrasound, but was disappointed when she was less than friendly to me and my family. I quickly put that out of my mind and focused on the little bun in my oven that was the reason we were there. I was a little nervous because I only wanted to hear good things about what Mary Ellen was seeing on the ultrasound screen with her searching, well trained eye. Luckily we got just that...good news all around! It was so amazing to be able to sneak a peek inside at one of life's most precious miracles in the making! We saw his little face. We saw his little feet. We saw his arms and fingers. We saw his growing brain. We saw his little belly. We saw his perfect spine. We saw his little leggies. We saw his strong, little heart beating valiantly. After Mary Ellen checked everything out, she made a video recording for us to keep. I wish she would have recorded it from the start of her searching, because the picture she got before making our tape was a lot more clear. But oh well, at least we have something. As we left, we were all happy about the news except for the two girls. They were hoping for a girl. Somehow, I think that once they get to meet this little baby boy they will forget all about wanting it to be a girl and love him just the same.

From there, we had a nice lunch at Mimi's Cafe. Grandma kept saying how, in the ultrasound, she couldn't really tell what a lot of it was but that it made her heart stop when she saw the little heart beating. She knew what that was right away. I am so glad she was able to come. This was the first ultrasound she has seen other than on tv. After lunch, Michael and Yvonne met us to pick up Grandma so she could rest at their place while we shopped for groceries for the celebratory dinner we would be having that night. During the time we were waiting to meet them, Damien and I reminded Grandma that she couldn't tell anyone the sex of the baby. She promised she wouldn't and even practiced a couple times saying that we "are having a healthy baby," just in case anyone tried to get it out of her. When Michael pulled into the parking stall next to ours, Damien, Grandma, and I got out of the car. I gave Michael a hug and introduced Damien to him. They shook hands then Grandma gave Michael a hug and giddily got into the car while she said, "How exciting! A great-grandson!"...So much for surprises!!!

Michael and Yvonne were nice enough to host the festivities, and Mom provided a delicious steak and baked potato dinner. There was a good turnout by most of the family and the ones who couldn't make it were missed! As each guest arrived, they were instructed NOT to speak to Grandma and to first put in their official predictions of the baby's gender, weight and length at birth, date and time of birth, hours in labor, size of my belly at delivery, name suggestions, and any advice they may have for Damien and me. After dinner, we snapped a few pictures of everyone with their predictions then put in the video of the ultrasound. It seemed everyone was on the edge of their seats waiting to see what the baby held between it's legs. There were oohs and aahs as we saw the head, body, arm, hand, leg, and feet. Then an eruption of cheers and applause arose when the revealing parts appeared and were labeled as BOY. All in all, it was a wonderful ending to a perfect day. Thanks to everyone that was able to come and share this special day with us!

What the old wives tales tell:

What the old wives tales tell:

--Heart rate indicates a girl.

--Pencil/pendulum test indicates a boy.

--Chinese Birth Calendar is split about 50/50. I found quite a few different websites with the calendar; half indicating a boy and half indicating a girl.

--The draino test turned a brownish color, indicating a boy, I think.

--Acne test indicates a girl. (or two judging by how much acne I've had)

--Key test indicates a boy.

--The Ancient Mayan tale indicates a girl.

--The salty or sweet cravings test is inconclusive due to the fact that I haven't really had any.

--The shape of my belly test is also inconclusive as I am not showing very much yet.

--The garlic seeping out of my pores test indicates a girl because garlic cannot be detected.
(thankfully!)

So...what does all this mean? Basically, I think the old wives need to get together and get their stories straight. :) Although we are not much better! One of us is predicting x's while the other of us xy. And while it was fun to see what all the old tales tell, I can hardly wait 'til tomorrow to see what the ultrasound will say!

Boy or Girl...The final countdown

One week from today, at about this time, we will HOPEFULLY (provided the baby plays well with Mary Ellen, the ultrasound lady) find out the sex of the baby...I am REALLY excited! We scheduled the appointment an extra week and a half after when they said we could, so that neither Damien nor I would have to take extra time off work, and it's killing me!!! All I keep thinking is that we could have known by now...BUT once we know, it will have been worth the wait, right!?!

I HATE MARY-GO-ROUNDS!

I have come to realize the only person you can truly count on is yourself. Sad but true. Yeah, there are friends & family that can be a nice help at times, but ultimately, we really are on our own. What's a person to do, when the things that mean the most to them--friends, family, and the relationships they have with them--fail or turn out to be not exactly what they thought. It is the relationships with the people I love that give me the most happiness and joy but also cause the greatest amount of heartache and pain. For someone who tends to feel things deeply, this can be torturous! I don't mean to be dramatic, I just have a hard time when problems arise that seem to have no solution. Is it possible NOT to have ANY expectations in a relationship, so MAYBE you won't be disappointed? If so, how would your needs ever get met? People aren't mind readers, and most don't seem to have your needs in mind, unless they have a reason. And why WOULD they have a reason unless YOU gave them one? Do you see where I'm going? Yes, around in circles, which is the direction a lot of relationships seem to be going. It's quite dizzying, actually. But maybe that will be a nice feeling for now, and I can forget about the way things are working out, or not working out...I hate mary-go-rounds!

Honey, I don't think that was gas!

I wish I could tell you the exact moment I felt the baby move for the first time, but, the truth is, I'm not sure when it was. Dr. Twede told me at my 13 1/2 week visit that I could start to feel little butterfly flutters at anytime, so I tried to pay close attention to any "flutterings" I may have felt. Since I didn't know what I was feeling for, I payed attention to everything. After about two weeks worth of faux-flutters, (AKA gas or my imagination) I think I finally felt the real deal. I was about 15 1/2--16 weeks along, and to me, it felt more like my belly was being bumped into from the inside rather than being brushed up against by butterfly wings. Now, at 18 + weeks, the baby's movements are more discernible. Last night, I was laying on my stomach for a while then rolled over onto my back. As soon as I was on my back, I felt an amazing amount of pressure pushing out from inside my belly. It felt like the kid was stretching in a yoga cat position, pushing with it's hands and feet in one direction and with it's back the opposite. Right away, I put my hands on my belly, where the pressure was, to see what I could feel. From the outside, it was firm, almost like a contracted muscle. Around it was still soft like, well, my belly. Being able to feel the baby move is one of the most amazing things! I cannot wait until Damien will be able to put his hands on my belly and be able to feel a little bit of what I am lucky enough to get to experience. In the mean time, I feel like I learned something about this baby o' mine: I don't think it likes to be smashed like that.

My pregnancy so far

As you may guess, this pregnancy has taken a lot of people by surprise, myself included! The initial shock and disbelief has finally worn off, and I am starting to get really excited. It took me a little longer to get to the point that Damien has been from day one, but I'm glad I have finally come around. (I'm sure he is too) Today I am at 17 weeks + five days, which means 2 weeks and 2 days from now, I will be half way done with this pregnancy. That is where the shock and disbelief again begins! I can't believe I am already this far along. I think that is mainly because I really don't feel pregnant. I was lucky enough not to get struck with morning sickness or the urge to pee every two hours. I haven't really had any cravings either. The symptoms I have had are: extreme cramping, fatigue, hunger, and gas. I'll spare you the details and just say that all four have been extreme. Although now that I am in my second trimester, the cramping is nonexistent, (thankfully that ended at about week 8 or 9, and that's a good thing! It was so bad I thought I was gonna die! Seriously!) and the rest have decreased in intensity. Overall, I cannot complain about how things have gone thus far. I have great friends and family and the love and support of a wonderful man. I truly feel blessed!

At the first doctor's appointment, which we had on July 30, 2008, at 9 1/2 weeks along, I weighed in at 134 lbs, a few pounds up from where I was before I found out I was pregnant. We listened to the baby's heartbeat with a doppler device. It was hard to find, but came in loud and clear, low on my right side, after a few minutes search. The baby's tiny, little heart was beating a whopping 174 beats per minute. Damien and I just looked at eachother with big, goofy grins on our faces until Julie, the nurse, removed the doppler wand from my lower abdomen. Neither of us cried. I felt calm and was in awe, as the fact that there really was a human life growing inside of my belly began to sink in. Next, she moved us into the ultrasound room where we got to see our "little peanut", as Damien was calling it at the time. It was amazing to see the heart beating and to be able to discern it's head from it's rump and to see the little nubs that were becoming hands and feet. There was no denying it. We had now seen the proof with our own four eyes. Here are a couple pics from that visit:

Getting prepped for my very first ultrasound

OOOOOH, that jelly is cold!

If you split the screen into fourths like this +,
the baby is in the top right. Kind of hard to see here.

At our second visit, four weeks later, I weighed 140 lbs. The baby's heart beat was at 159 beats per minute, and was as awe inspiring as it was the first time we heard it. I got a PAP, always a good time, and that was about it. We made our next appointment with Dr. Twede AND scheduled an ultrasound for October 10th, when we hope to learn the sex of the baby! :)

We had the third visit just two days ago. I am 17 1/2 weeks along. I gained another 4 pounds, which Dr. Twede says is right where I want to be. One pound per week is good. My belly is measuring at 16 cm, also average for how far along I am. The books say the baby should be about 5 inches long from crown to rump. A lot bigger than the 1 inch length it was at our first visit. Again, we heard the baby's heart beat, which was 154 beats per minute.

So far, everyone is healthy and happy, and we are looking forward to finding out the sex of the baby in two weeks! It would be fun to get together with everyone that evening, for dinner or something, and announce the ultrasound findings...in the mean time, be sure to enter in your gender guess by way of the poll and/or in the comments. I'd love to know what YOU think!

The day I found out

I found out I was pregnant Monday morning on June 23rd by taking a home pregnancy test. The test only confirmed what I had suspected for about two weeks. I had had a dream that I was looking at two circles about two feet in diameter each, both with big, pink plus signs in them. I thought nothing of it at first, but kept getting the feeling not to do anything that might harm a growing embryo, just in case. I kept my pregnancy worries to myself while I waited to start my period. I kept getting what felt like period cramps, so I KNEW I would be starting that day or the next. At least I REALLY hoped.The week leading up to the 23rd was full of hope and skepticism. Hope that I would see my dear Aunt Flow but skeptical of her coming. After a week of cramping, with nothing to show for it, I knew I needed to take a test. A weeks worth of mental torture led me on an early morning run to Wal-Mart to buy a couple tests. I left the house without emptying my bladder, so when I returned, I really had to go. I was barely able to get the test out of the box and into the stream before my supply ran out. I put the cap back on the test and set it on the rug between my feet, but it stayed there only a short time. I picked it back up and attentively watched as the pee passed over the control and into the test window. It showed up positive right away. There it was--the two pink plus signs. I sat there and stared at those little pink plus signs for about ten minutes, not really believing it and not really feeling anything. Finally, I was able to get up, and I got back in bed. As I layed there thinking about what this meant for my life, the weight of it fell heavy on my shoulders. And heart. And mind. I got a little choked up but cried only a few tears. I wondered if I should have been more upset than I was. By this time, it was about seven o'clock and I was ready to talk to someone. Bridgette Ellis was who I wanted to talk to, but it was six a.m. in Alaska where I knew she was sound asleep. I waited as long as I could and gave her a call a few minutes before seven o'clock, her time. No Answer. I waited a few minutes and tried again. No Answer. I left a voice mail and sent a text message then tried to patiently wait some more. A million things ran through my mind as I waited. How was I going to tell Damien, and what was his reaction going to be? What did this mean for our relationship? I never wanted to raise a kid on my own. What was my mom going to say? How was I going to pay for everything without insurance? I can't give up sleep. How soon am I going to get stretch marks? Now I won't be able to do the triathlon. Shouldn't I be getting sick? I guess the girls ARE gonna have a cousin. I can't raise a kid. A kid!?! How did this happen? I am not ready for this kind of responsibility! Finally, at about eight o'clock, Alaska time, I called again. This time Bridge groggily answered and asked if everything was okay. I think I blurted out that I just found out I was pregnant and that I was sorry to wake her up, but I needed to talk. As always, she was a good listener and a great friend. She helped me put things in perspective and helped to calm my nerves. I hung up with her feeling a little better knowing that no matter what happened I would have the love and support of great friends and my family to help and be by my side.

Most of that day is but a blur now. I know the girls and the house did not get the attention they needed or deserved. A fly on the wall would not have been able to tell all the goings on in my mind by watching the lack of goings on of my body. I spent a lot of time on the couch staring out the wall of windows in the front room. By the time Mom got home from work, at three, I had managed to get myself showered and ready, and that only being due to my being scheduled to work later that evening. She was quite upset at the appearance of the house and enlisted the girls' help to clean it real quick. Feeling guilty for not having done it while she was at work, I pitched in. As we passed each other in between rooms, I nonchalantly said I needed to talk to her at some point that day when the girls were not around. She jokingly returned with, "How late are you?" I laughed and said, "Well, I took a test and failed it today." "Really?" I just nodded. She got a little choked up and said, "A little Spirit has chosen you to be it's mom. That is a very special and exciting thing." There was a short pause and she threw in, "It's about time!" I was a little surprised at her reaction and comments, as they were not what I expected. I guess if I had been half my age and delivered the same news, I would have gotten more of what I had envisioned. Next, she asked what Damien's reaction was. I had not told him yet. I decided early that morning that telling him over the phone or in a text was not the best way, and I did not want to tell him while he was at work. While talking to my mom, I came to the conclusion that I should see if I could get someone to cover my appointment and go tell Damien as soon as possible. Luckily that worked out, and I was soon on my way to Salt Lake City, with not a clue of how to tell him or what I was going to say. The drive went a lot faster than I hoped. Half way there I tried to call Damien to see if he had plans after work. No Answer. I left a voice mail letting him know I was in town and hoped to see him. Once I got into town, I tried again. No Answer, so I just kept driving. He called back, and I found out he was planning on going to the gym later that evening. I was at 7200 South when he called and jumped off I-15 there. I drove toward his gym while we talked, and I coaxed him to go now, rather than later. He agreed and was pulling into the parking lot a short time after I had. I nervously watched him park and decided I didn't want him to miss out on his workout, which I knew he would had we met up then, so I told him I was stuck in traffic and to go work out. I would meet him in an hour. When I was sure he wouldn't see me pull out of the parking lot, I left and went up the street and parked in a school parking lot. I was driving myself crazy thinking of all the possible outcomes this news may bring. I say driving myself crazy because it really was unnecessary. Deep down, I knew it was going to be okay. In the car, I had a triathlon training manual I tried to read to keep my mind occupied with something else. It only kind of worked, and finally after an hour passed, I headed back to the gym. Damien called as I was leaving, and said he had some errands to run. If I wanted, I could go with him. Once I got there, I tried to act as normal as I could. It worked, he didn't seem to suspect a thing. We decided to take two cars so we wouldn't have to backtrack later. I followed him to the first stop, a shoe store. We looked around. He tried on some shoes and talked to the owner. I was wondering all the while how and when to tell him. I saw some baby shoes and made a comment about how cute little kid shoes are, feeling things out. Nope, not yet. We went to a GNC so he could get some vitamins. There they were, on the shelf next to the prenatals. Nope, not yet. At this point, I could see the night ending, us parting ways, and me not telling him. It just never felt right. I felt like we were in two different worlds. He was going around, in the real world, and I was somehow there physically, but not really there. As we reached the end of Damien's to do list, I felt I was running out of time but still didn't know what to say. He was hungry, and now that he mentioned it, I hadn't eaten since that morning. There was a Chili's across the parking lot, so we walked to my last opportunity. He opened the door for me, and asked as I walked in, "So, have you heard from Aunt Flow yet?" Now that the door was wide open, all I had to do was step in. "YEP, I heard from Aunt Flow today..." I guess he sensed something in my tone of voice, because somewhere between, "Yes ma'am, two." and us being seated, he asked what I meant by that. I repeated that I had, indeed, heard from Aunt Flow...and that she won't be visiting for at least nine months. "WHAT!?!..." He looks at me. "Are you serious!?!" I nod. He smiled and sat back in the booth. "No shit?" He sat there in silence as a very concerned little girl in the booth behind us told her dad that THAT man just said a naughty word. Damien asked, "You meant to say that you are pregnant, right?" I nod. "WOW!" Periodic conversation interrupted silence while most of our food remained untouched. Aside from minor uncertainties, Damien was calm. He was collected. He was supportive. And he was excited. To this day, none of that has changed.

The purpose of all of this

The main reason I wanted to start this blog was to fill you in and keep you up on everything going on in my life right now. So let's get started! Wow, that's gonna be harder than I thought...Where do I begin? Most of you know that I am pregnant. For those few who did not, yes, you read that right, pregnant. :) No, I did not run off and get married without telling you, i am single. Well seeing someone, just not married. I would claim immaculate conception, but it's been taken, and I don't think anyone would fall for that one again. So, I know you are wondering who the lucky man is. :)

His name is Damien, and actually, I feel like the lucky one. He is a great man with many wonderful qualities! We met at the end of January, by chance, and both noticed sparks right away. He asked for my phone number, and I gave it to him. I'm sure that doesn't sound like a big deal, but for me, it was huge. I have NEVER given my real phone number to a complete stranger, but I am very glad I made an exception that time! That night, he left me a really cute message, we texted the next day, he called me that night, and we have enjoyed getting to know each other ever since. He has lived in Utah for the past five years, is originally from the Bronx, NY, and spent the time in between living in Las Vegas. He has an appreciation for the great outdoors, especially when it's cold. He loves to be in the mountains snowboarding. Damien works a civilian job supplying an auto shop on Fort Douglas in Salt Lake City and is in ammo in the Army Reserves. He spent a year in Iraq and is scheduled for another tour in 2010. The military has suited him well, as this man was made for it! But don't let that fool you. Even though he has been trained in the art of killing, he is kind and considerate, understanding and patient. He has goals, ambition, morals and standards. He is one of the hardest workers I have ever known. He has an amazing love for his family, and it has been fun for me to watch that creep over a little bit into mine as he has been able to meet almost everyone. He has a great sense of humor--we laugh and have a good time with everything we do. He also has a bit of an adventurous spirit. As if that wasn't enough, he cooks, he cleans, and rubs my back and feet when they are sore. I mean really rubs them good. Sometimes I stop and wonder what I did to find such an amazing man, then I smile and don't question it and am just thankful I get to go through this with him. I love him dearly and know he will be a great father! He is 35 and has no children, so this is a first for both of us. I know for a lot of you, the marriage question comes to mind. You may not agree with or understand my choice to remain single, but for me, I am happy with the way things are. I am pregnant. I am with the baby's father. We are happy, and in this together, with or without a contract saying so. I hope that the love and support you have always shown to me continues to be unconditional and will grow to include the two new additions to my family.

It starts with ONE...

Today is day two of my new blogging journey, and over the past 24hours, I have been bombarded with texts, calls, e-mails, and blog comments showing interest in others wanting to start one as well. Let me just reassure you, if I can do this ANYONE can do this! I know that phrase get thrown around a lot, but I really mean it! All you do, is go to www.blogger.com, do the little tour that explains everything, then set up your very own blog. It really is that simple. Granted, I haven't posted any pictures or done anything fancy, yet, but I will soon! So, what are you waiting for, you've got work to do...I will be anxiously waiting to hear of your blogspot address! Till then, bu-bye!

Well Hello!

Fancy meeting you here :) As you can see, I have FINALLY given in and am gonna try my hand at blogging. After years of reading, and selfishly enjoying, all of your blogs, and not contributing to the story pot, I figure it's about time to pull a seat up to the sharing table. I'm afraid I must warn you: the stories that are soon to be told here are real. The people in them are not actors. (Hell, I couldn't be so lucky!) The things you read may make you laugh or make you cry. They just might make you wonder--one thing is certain...at some point, I'm sure you will feel better about your own life. HAHAHA! I am excited to have a written document of my life experiences, to share what is going on in my life with you, and to be able to have comments and feedback from the people i love and look up to the most, and hopefully this will hold my attention longer and better than writing in a traditional journal! And so the journaling journey begins...we have a lot of catching up to do!